Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
saving face 👀
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You learn something every day