A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday