I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
You Might Also Like
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.