If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Breaking news:
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly