turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You deplete me
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.