[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab