If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me irl
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.