My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.