Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
adding to the discourse
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Can Happiness buy money?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing