[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Happy Febuary everyone!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.