“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.