It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.