A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.