The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“I’m helping” 😅
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”