I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
What personal space?
My dog
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
🍛
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.