Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
mom gave me mine for free
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Cannot stop laughing at this
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
moms in horror movies
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog