Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
HOW DARE YOU
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
this has to be peak English
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.