All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
You Might Also Like
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(