America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
when someone compliments me
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice