I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
This probably isn’t good
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket