There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
How to wake up a Beagle
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
damn he’s good
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”