Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
this has done me in for some reason
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.