due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
getting groceries
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.