Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who鈥檚 been asked what鈥檚 in their mouth.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Child: What鈥檚 the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I鈥檒l ask mom.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he鈥檚 at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it鈥檚 definitely a marathon.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven鈥檛 seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Pal: I thought you weren鈥檛 supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren鈥檛 food. They鈥檙e itty bitty water balloons.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS