*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.