Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.