I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so