Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
what could possibly go wrong?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.