I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
But that’s none of my business
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”