driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Mmmm canned fish.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Have a lovely day 😊
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius