Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
October already? What’s next? November????
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Netflix and awkward silence?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?