“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Any refunds available?…
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥