Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Good boy 😂😂
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.