“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”