My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
boat question
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars