God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene