We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.