*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.