9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My last name is Zilla.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.