Stop being racist to kettles.
You Might Also Like
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.