[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔