INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal