Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
📽️movie date🎞️
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?