All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Snapes on a plane.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
This was a bad idea all around
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security