[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.