Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Does it…does it take 3 days
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛