Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*