Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I mean…but I did
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*