never forget
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Lmfaoooooo
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??