Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
english majors be like furthermore
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Nothing.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards